make-believe.org

Fits in translation

It goes without saying that I'm a fan of Ms Fits' wit on the World Wide Webster. You might have recognised the influence of her humorous operandi on my last post, I guess. (But for the record, she nicked the telegram format from me. And I called dibs on Miranda Airey-Branson. Not that I'm not bitter.)

For the last 76 Fridays, Ms Fits has prosecuted the herculean task of answering each and every inane reader question asked during the week. I believe it is some sort of exercise in self-flagellation, but heroic in its own way and she really does deserve a medal for it.

As consistently amusing as these Friday Q&A's are, at times her blanket policy of being nice to her interrogators leads to word choices that are slightly, well, less than ingenuous. In an idle moment, I made an incomplete list of her code-phrases—provided here for those who want to know what she really thinks of your question.

I don't see why not.
→   No.

Yes, I suppose...
→   Not on your life.

Of course you should...
→   Pull your finger out.

Of course you shouldn't...
→   Get over it, drama queen.

I hope you don't mind...
→   That was an unmitigated display of bad taste. I am going to cover for you.

I don't mind at all.
→   We are all suffering due to your proximity.

Thank-you for taking an interest...
→   Don't be creepy.

...however...
→   I have strayed from the fence and I must return.

I'd probably try it at least once.
→   Ew. Ew!

Goodness me.
→   Do you ever shut up?

Oh dear.
→   Really fucked it up this time, huh?

May I borrow it?
→   Hmpf. Don't be funnier than me on my own goddamn site.

Yes. Let's have a drink together.
→   *rolls eyes*

You're right.
→   You narrowly avoided a yawning abyss of wrong there.

Call me old-fashioned...
→   I feel sick to my stomach.

I really don't know about...
→   Christ, who thinks up this drivel?

I am quite a busy lady...
→   You're like Buckley rolling through Hell on a snowball, mack.

Joseph | 30 Jun 2007