It goes without saying that I'm a fan of Ms Fits' wit on the World Wide Webster. You might have recognised the influence of her humorous operandi on my last post, I guess. (But for the record, she nicked the telegram format from me. And I called dibs on Miranda Airey-Branson. Not that I'm not bitter.)
For the last 76 Fridays, Ms Fits has prosecuted the herculean task of answering each and every inane reader question asked during the week. I believe it is some sort of exercise in self-flagellation, but heroic in its own way and she really does deserve a medal for it.
As consistently amusing as these Friday Q&A's are, at times her blanket policy of being nice to her interrogators leads to word choices that are slightly, well, less than ingenuous. In an idle moment, I made an incomplete list of her code-phrases—provided here for those who want to know what she really thinks of your question.
I don't see why not.
Yes, I suppose...
→ Not on your life.
Of course you should...
→ Pull your finger out.
Of course you shouldn't...
→ Get over it, drama queen.
I hope you don't mind...
→ That was an unmitigated display of bad taste. I am going to cover for you.
I don't mind at all.
→ We are all suffering due to your proximity.
Thank-you for taking an interest...
→ Don't be creepy.
→ I have strayed from the fence and I must return.
I'd probably try it at least once.
→ Ew. Ew!
→ Do you ever shut up?
→ Really fucked it up this time, huh?
May I borrow it?
→ Hmpf. Don't be funnier than me on my own goddamn site.
Yes. Let's have a drink together.
→ *rolls eyes*
→ You narrowly avoided a yawning abyss of wrong there.
Call me old-fashioned...
→ I feel sick to my stomach.
I really don't know about...
→ Christ, who thinks up this drivel?
I am quite a busy lady...
→ You're like Buckley rolling through Hell on a snowball, mack.
Joseph | 30 Jun 2007