I had a bit of placeholder text here for the last 24 hours, because I was plotting a mildly libellous analysis of the [would-be MUSUL directors' stump speeches]. It was going to be hysterical. But I had a bit to drink last night, and I'm about three months behind on a thesis due in two weeks, so I didn't get round to it today.
In the meantime, a certain 'Andy C
' took the opportunity to do it himself. Sans the slander as well. So, fain that I should reinvent a perfectly good wheel, I decided to exploit his work for my private gain. Hopefully he'll get back to me with *post facto* permission.
Um, just before I present Andy's Punter's Guide to the Inaugural Melbourne Uni Student Popularity Contest, and to prove that I did at least do *some* work towards this post, I would like to give you something. I call it the Qualifier. For those of you with thin skins, this handy device takes the pain out of reading make-believe.org. What it does is render the implicit "in my humble opinion" at the end of each sentence on this page *explicit*. You can make it implicit again by refreshing. Indispensable!
Link: The Qualifier
People without antediluvian browsers might be interested in using it as a bookmarklet. Feel free to take it with you on your cyberspatial travels.
Okay, have you all got your VANs ready?
####Andy C's *Guide to the Inaugural Melbourne Uni Student Popularity Contest*
In 1969, soon-to-be-huge social theorist Alain Touraine predicted university students would be at the forefront of the new social struggles of the post-industrial age. He might feel compelled to revisit his prognosis should he some-how stumble over these scarcely believable nuggets of stump speech brilliance... Take it away, Mr. Nick Demiris...
Don Watson yet to penetrate fortress MUSUL:
> If elected, I will strive to ensure that MUSUL implements policies to ensure transparency, sound economic management and consumer-focused service delivery.
Class warfare begins with dimmies:
> You may know me from the two years I worked for the student union food services making your coffees and frying your dimsims... (Ms. Eleanor Jacobs)
Warrandyte real estate agents storm the ballot box:
> I have lived in Melbourne since 1999, working as a piano restorer and tuner. I have also worked as a bookseller, an antique dealer and run a market stall specializing in organic olive oil moisturizers and soaps. (Ms. Sarah Hudson)
Had to think about it:
>The union should provide a healthy balance between student services, protecting student interests, and most importantly allowing a culture that ensures that the university is fun place to, study. (Mr. Laughlin Nicholls)
MPD more widespread than previously thought:
>I've chosen to run as an Empowered Independent because we are committed to preserving student control of student affairs. (Mr. Rohan D'Souza)
Course Evaluation Officers sent cowering:
> Our material is irrelevant, our lectures admit that they won't fail anyone because that would ‘scare off' the international students, and our exams are invariably multiple-choice because they're the ‘easiest to mark'. (Mr. Nathan Lambert)
Cannibal Corpse members seen scribbling down new album ideas:
> I'm in the fortunate position to know how student unions tick, what makes them work and even more importantly, what rips the lifeblood out of them. In this vain... (Mr. Drew Rudland)
Beware the nameless, faceless, genderless secularites:
> As a Student Director I will aim to do the following: * represent all student voices, without any judgement of race, sex, religion and belief in any form; * (Ms. Paris Room)
Those right-wingers are so damn LOOSE:
> Now more than ever, we need a pro-public education Student Union, that can and will defend student rights, and that operates, firmly, on the basis of students over profits. (Ms. Rebecca Barrigos)
Presumably to measure ‘vibrancy':
>If elected I will push for the introduction of Key Performance indicators… (Mr. Matthew Gordon)
Why DID they move Sale to that ridiculous timeslot?
> Who am I? I am 19 and a 2nd Year Bachelor of Science student... (Ms. Cara Bradley)
Elastically-challenged Thespians arrive armed with swords:
> ...if you think that the Student Union should mobilize to defend student tights, vote for the members of Left-Focus who share this vision of a vibrant, fighting Student Union! (Ms. Kathryn Wood)
Thanks to Pat... (excessive words deleted)
23 Apr 2004